let’s see about 2023…

one year of off-grid baby & some updates!

This years end finds me peaceful and i don’t take that lightly because god knows there’s nothing we can buy, nothing we can do, nothing we can pray for, that is greater than peace. what a rare and precious thing. what stupid privilege for me to write that word ~ peaceful ~ in the context of something i feel i have, however fleeting, rather than something i am yearning for, dreaming about, trying to remember the textures of… I want to let myself have it, without guilt and without my depression brain crowding it with its questions, “but what happens when it’s over, for it will be over one day soon” (my depression brain only posits questions in the manner of a 12th century poet when i am feeling peaceful)

to feel peaceful is to feel full of peace. Full can be a controversial feeling but peace is probably the best thing to be full of? Like can you ever be too full of peace in the way you can be too full of cake or soup? I don’t think we’ve ever had the chance to find out have we. i just tried to imagine being so full of peace that it’s uncomfortable and a) i couldn’t but also b) why must i be a ruiner of good things. Not everything needs to be a guided inner-child activation exercise tho tbh imagine a world where everything was a guided inner-child activation exercise only joking don't. 

I jussst got back from 2 weeks in pakistan, my first time in my motherland, and i don’t really want to talk about it yet but also i don’t know what words i’d use even if i did because like so many good things, the experience transcended language and instead sits like an orb of ancient warmth and earth and peace in my chest. It’s a new piece, i never had it before, but it fits well.

I feel stronger and less alone and flushed with gratitude, to have finally gone home. so much of this year has been about the grind of finding home and making home and searching for home and yearning for home and inventing home, and while i accept i may never actually settle on one outside of my own body, one that feels all the way right and safe and peaceful, like if you turned it inside out you’d still recognise yourself kinda home, and i’m not trying to claim that my diaspora kid luxury homecoming is the answer, but it actually was an answer to questions i didn’t even know i was asking, and boy there’s peace and there’s quiet in that.

This glimpse into what it might feel like to love the land of your ancestors is now carried within me alongside the evils of genocide, colonialism and displacement of so many millions of people across the world. it has gifted me a new and much deeper understanding of what it means to love your homeland and what it means to love your people and what it means to love yourself and what it means to love. and with that, my heart breaks even harder and my rage burns even brighter for Palestinians and all people experiencing unimaginable violent displacement and living with the ripples of it, many of which were also felt during my time in pakistan. I want to package it all and bottle it and commit every line of the poem of it to deep memory but mostly i want to stay right here just a bit longer, in this peace, before I inevitably slip back into the dismal emotional reality of everyday life. Trust it’s been trying me already :)

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This time last year i wrote my 2022 in review which looking back from where i’m at right now feels dreadfully personal lmao. Like eww who needs to know where i was at every single month of the year? Probably not you no offense! But as someone who admittedly needs more ritual and routine in their life, i don’t really think i’m in a position to lose one right now, so i decided to give it sort of another go but with an emphasis on one most important key moment which is that october 2023 marked one year of off-grid baby!!! and i basically really love it here and am humbled and grateful to you all for taking the time to sit with me and my thoughts and words and grief and wonder for over a year. A year in, i was so pleased to reach my goal of over 1000 subscribers but i definitely did not reach my goal of 100 paid subscribers, so a most special thanks goes to u guys, flashing the cash, absolute champs and real ones. there will be a special place in my heart for those of you who offered that gift of belief to me, forever, and i’m a water sign and we do not forget shit so i’m not fucking around! I got u!! It’s truly life-changing to be supported m*nitarily, it has reminded me every day for a year that my work is of real value, and is actually really good for depression i found out!!!

This year has been one of rethinking and recalibration around my relationships, including the deep release of those in which, quite simply, i give more than i get. Because i give a lot!!! in my friendships, in my work in community, in untangling generational curses, and I am not always nurtured in return, no sir. I expanded on some of this process in may’s newsletter i’ll bring you flowers, in the pouring rain. this has of course made way for extreme pain, disorientation and loss this year, but learning to let go of that which isn’t serving me, and going distinctly and only “where the love is” which i wrote about in detail in april’s newsletter abscission, has i’m sure also carved out that little space for the peace i have managed to tap into now.

This is also the reason i have decided that going forward i will make this newsletter (mostly) available only to paid subscribers.

i want my work to be accessible, but i also want comfort, respect and to make some semblance of a living. I am a leo rising, and a fun mix of attention and generosity is my lifeblood, so doing a free newsletter has been delightful and i know i’ll miss it! but i think i’m finally ready to be intentional about who i am entertaining, how i want my offerings to be received and what I need! I’m also hoping to up the ante with the newsletter next year, meaning more posts and some stuff still for free subscribers :) if you have enjoyed this newsletter over the last year, do consider becoming a paid subscriber!

I’m happy to add you to the paid list if:

❤ ur a QTBPOC who can’t pay 

❤ you have paid at some point in the first year but had to stop

❤ you have previously traded with me or want to!

❤ you have a paid substack & wanna do a trade like that

❤ i know u irl & u can’t pay

just reply to this email and it’s donesies! 

okay let’s get on with the year in review then shall we…

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JANUARY