i'm really bad at cooking

but i love male masseuses

Jun 30, 2025

heyy feels like its been a sec! i really did just drop a post about suicide and then bounce for two months and for that i do not apologise because it simply is what it is! and ikyk what it is too, but i do extend thanks to you for sticking with me, especially my small but extremely mighty team of paid subscribers, friends and strangers alike, who in this economy have somehow made room to throw a lil at me despite my patchy comms and lengthy social media hiatuses and therefore remind me all the time i am more than my output. i really am so grateful to you and pls be assured that while i may not be on here restacking and restocking every day, i am doing stuff, mainly community work, and therefore will be tired and broke forever and you are fortifying me mentally, spiritually and materially to do that work and also survive, myself and also survive myself. i really appreciate it and i will remember each of you who made the choice to love me in that way forever and when a double cancer says that they mean it in excruciating detail :) and so that’s why i’m here today, to share a project from that community work part of my life that i’d like your input on.

but i’m also here today because i just had a massage. i love massage both as a somatic art and also just on me on my body as much as poss. it’s part of how i manage my chronic back pain and also my need to be touched within very specific parameters and for me, a lil prince who grew up being routinely, lovingly massaged with oil, an ancestral and spiritual portal which i could say a lot more about! but i’ve been neglecting the practice recently for money and time and will2live reasons, so post-massage i am feeling a little more loose in the hoose than i have been lately.

however this was not just any massage, but a male massuese massage which over the last year has become my guilty pleasure. and i say guilty because one of the lil residues of coming to be in a somewhat gender-segregatey culture is that you’re definitely not supposed to say yes to a male massuese (and @god to be fair to me i actually did not!) in the same way that you are not supposed to say yes to a man gyno which don’t get me wrong i support but one time in my early 20s i had a rash so bad that the lovely woman peering into my hole had no choice but to eventually call almost all the senior management staff on duty to have a look and try to diagnose the situation. all genders welcome! so i mean, the levy really should have really broken then and there, but in fact i did continue to instinctively ask for a “woman” at both the massage & pussy parlours.

so my first experience with a male masseuse was last year at a high-end his and hers massage i booked for myself and a lover who was significantly more muslim than me, meaning she claimed the woman masseuse immediately upon entry. well. his hands. were really big and soft. and also sensual. and despite not touching a man for a decade i left ready to make full love not only to him but to the massage table itself which reporting live from my celibacy era is no small feat!

fast forward to april this year when i was having a full-blown menty b on the streets of downtown manhattan after visiting the courthouse and feeling quite beside myself and with no idea of what to do with it all but it was giving massage or die i stumbled into chinatown and the gods led me to Renew Day Spa as they have many times before. but this time when they said man? woman? i said, whatever’s fastest coz i needed to feel something that wasn’t doom asap and this man promptly BROKE MY BACK and i believe, thusly saved my life.

there is a wild heatwave happening in england rn, and i am so behind on so many deadlines that i’ve been previously too depressed to meet that i cannot even spare one day to go to the seaside which ironically is the most depressing state of affairs and also so off-brand for me but here we are. luckily i have found an air-conditioned haven by way of the thai massage place round the corner from the boat and all i can say is from His hands to mine babes, here i am.

now forgive me but if i deep it i do feel like there’s some reparative work being done here between me and brown men that i just never thought was going to happen in this lifetime which to be clear was fine with me because i have actually interesting things to do lol but i’m here for a happy accident.

anyway, what i wanted to share with you today is a new project that’s just been launched by qtibpoc mental health collective,

misery

, because it’s a piece of my heart but also because we are accepting paid submissions from qtbpoc anywhere in the world which is a fun opportunity for some of the many lil simulations i inhabit to come together, if they want to, if they’re meant to.

we’re making a crip community cookbook categorised by spoons called misery meals which is something i remember telling my therapist i wanted to do ten years ago because i thought it was the only way i’d find a rhythm with food and cooking that makes sense to my busted lil brain and here’s hoping i was right coz it’s finally happening!!

i’ll save the juice for the book but please have a read of the post below, which i wrote to share more about the project and submission process. and please, please share this call-out among your networks, especially ones that exist outside of europe and north america <3