if i want to die so much why am i so careful when i cross the road

dispatches from depression #3

a camera malfunction gave this photo a fun fighting 4 ur life vibe i thought

last week, my beloved friend Beth texted me a video of myself that i had forgotten existed. it’s from 2018. i was living alone in harlem on an artist visa, without health insurance, recovering from a bad relationship and sinking solidly into one of the worst depressions of my life. some time prior to that i had agreed to be part of a reading series at friends and lovers in brooklyn, and being the extremely good girl that i am, didn’t even really consider cancelling. i remember the day of the event because i had a friend from london staying with me, who shook me awake with unbridled excitement to let me know she had been selected as one of forbes 30 under 30. now i don’t know about you depressives, but sleep is my greatest companion in this life and i do not like being woken from it at the best of times or for the best of reasons, and this was clearly neither. that said, i still shudder when i think about just how little enthusiasm i was able to muster for my friend, my utter confusion in the face of her joy, the complete distinctness of the planets we were inhabiting in that moment. anyway, i got out of bed and wrote something to perform at the reading that night. that’s what i’m sharing with you today, partially to support my growing interest in the depression archive, and partly coz, you know, it’s good.

trigger warning for roughly 15 jokes about wanting to kill myself. click 2 listen ⬇